![]() ![]() ![]() “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”~ David Lee Roth.It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”~ Dale Carnegie.“If you’re too open-minded your brains will fall out.”~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti.“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”~ Dalai Lama.“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”~ Harlan Ellison.“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”~ Ashleigh Brilliant.“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” ~ Cynthia Heimel.Naked people have little or no influence in society.” ~ Mark Twain Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”~ Cullen Hightower “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!” ~ Anonymous “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” ~ Christopher Morley.“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” ~ Charles Wadsworth.It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. ![]() “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb.“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” ~ H.L.“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau.“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” ~ Charles de Gaulle.“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” ~ Abraham Lincoln.“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” ~ Billy Wilde.“Most people would sooner die than think in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell.“Life is hard it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John WayneĪlso Read: Sarcastic Quotes Funny Inspirational Quotes.“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Bernard Baruch.“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” ~ Benny Hill.“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant.I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W.C.There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker “ Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~ Anonymous.The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” ~ Ann Landers “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t.“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” ~ Casey Stengel. ![]()
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